school days . first day of first grade

he loved his first day of school. when he got in the car he said, "was that really school?!" translation of his tone, "THAT was awesome!" 

he made two good friends he says. his favorite part of the day was lunch and recess. no surprise there! 

he and annabelle are so glad their classes are right next to each other this year. they have lunch and recess together so i'm pretty sure that gave him peace of mind. 

little bits and pieces are coming out at different times as i think he is processing it all. he came home happy as a lark and really he just wanted to play with his brothers. they asked for him all day and will cried at nap time because he couldn't give grey a hug and kiss. we all have a little adjusting to do.

 he woke up early all on his own this morning ready for the second day. i would say that's good news! 

go and be

oh little boy. i didn't think it would be this hard. to send you out. to watch you go and be who you are. 

i've watched you front and center for 6 whole years. i nourished your body and watched you sleep in your first year. i sang songs, read books, and chased you silly through your second. the third was full of answering questions and teaching you how to do things on your own. i skipped and read and learned alongside you through your fourth year.  i taught you of God and arithmetic when you were five. but this year. this is the year to watch as you step into a world away from me. 

it's time. 

though in the quiet i find myself choking back tears because really grey bear, i'm going to miss you. my biggest boy. you have always been and always will be. 

it doesn't matter if i'm ready because i don't think i ever will be. 

i always wondered why moms made such a big deal about sending their children to school. well, now i know. it's painful. the years of investing all of myself into this child. of watching you learn every single thing you know. of knowing the ins and out of everything about you. 

and then i am just not going to be there? for seven whole hours of your everyday. i won't be there. 

it's not a question of if you will be able to handle it. i know you will. you love to learn and you love to make new friends. but what if someone is mean to you? will you love them in return? i've told you time and time again, but will you remember? will you remember to love with your whole heart? i think you will because i think that's who God made you to be. 

when it comes down to it, i trust this is where you are supposed to be. and the Lord has a plan for you  where you are this year. for you and for all of us. He is always faithful. though it may be hard and there will be struggle, He is always faithful. 

and this truth makes me ready too.

go go go and be be be all of who you are. i will walk with you always baby boy.

hello 30 . part 2

as i had just spent the past few days remembering with matthew, i woke up to the day i turn another year older. 30. it just so happened to be. though for so long i've dreaded turning 30, i have realized that these years just get better. they get richer and fuller. that time moves so fast and savoring up as much as i can is so worth it. so worth it.

i had breakfast with my mom which was such a special treat in and of itself. really, birthdays are big for moms. and now that i am one, i totally get it. we talked over biscuits and honey about all the things i had been remembering along with the things she remembers about my life. and i was just so thankful God made her my mother. she has loved me fierce these 30 years. and she will never stop. her love doesn't always flow from her mouth as much as it does her actions but that morning i heard it, felt it, and breathed it in.

we returned home after a very strange junk yard experience that we laughed the whole way through. but i think we were both a little freaked out by what we encountered. 

matthew called and asked that i make it home before the boys' naps so they could give me a gift. we pulled in to the driveway and the garage doors were closed. matthew was holding my camera. clearly something was hidden inside. a new car? no thanks. what i received was a thousand times better.

as the garage door opened and i saw what was inside, i had no idea what was going on. the first thing i saw, though buried under everything else, was a table. it could have only been hand crafted by my dad. and the tears came. that in itself was enough. a table made by my father for our family to gather around time after time. to celebrate, to gather with others, to play games, to talk. it's a centerpiece and it's made by my dad. it will be passed down generations.  it is perfect and has more than a perfect spot in our new home.

after i saw that, i processed everything else that i saw, a table full of gifts from friends. and just as i had remembered all of these people in some way or another, here was a table full of precious thoughts from them. this was an incredible gift. and it just kept getting better.

i spent the afternoon opening each very thoughtful gift and thanking God for each of those people that He had put in my path. each came with a note. i read words that were so meaningful to me and encouraged me deep down in my soul.

my mom made something very special for me as well. she made me an apron out of my old dresses she had sewed for me as a little girl. it is a treasure. i remember vividly learning alongside my mom to cook. i would sit at the counter and watch her make meals and treats for our family. and when i was big enough, she let me do it. she stayed right beside me the whole time and helped me along the way. i love to cook because of her. 

i was a tad bewildered how all of these people knew to do this when matthew informed me that 100 days before my birthday he sent an email out to lots of friends. to which i responded "you really asked people to give me gifts?!! that was bold!" he is some kind of awesome man.

i knew we had dinner plans at my most favorite mexican restaurant. little did i know there was a room full of family there to surprise me and eat birthday dinner and cake with me. party time!

i'm not sure i can express in words what a special birthday this was. not for the gifts or the activity itself, but for all of the intention. for realizing the things that have really shaped the years of my life. for remembering how the Lord has used so many people to mold and love and encourage and push me. For the ways He only could have loved me these 30 years. 

hello 30 . part 1

my 30th birthday seemed like the perfect time to remember. to remember the years that the Lord has been ever faithful to me. to us. 

matthew planned a beautiful trip to hilton head for just he and i to spend a few days together. we had time to talk, to just be together, to laugh, to cry (only i cried of course), to process life, and to remember.

we talked of our marriage and God's faithfulness in giving us one another. we remembered past relationships and saw clearly the grace God gave us in giving us one another. all of the life events that led to us meeting and marrying. our dating days, our early marriage days, the struggles of figuring things out, and the way God softened us to His truth and taught us (and is teaching) to love one another well. i am so undeserving of my husband. 

we remembered our college days before we met and saw clearly how the Lord brought us together at just the right time. we remembered the friendships He gave us to grow us and challenge us in our time there. we saw the bigger picture of how that has shaped our now and where God has us. 

we remembered further back. the way our parents guided us and showed us what it was like to follow Christ even when it didn't seem to make sense to us. the way they disciplined us out of love. the way they loved us through those tough years. the way they modeled marriage for us and the work it takes.

we remembered the places we lived, the relationships, the schools we attended. it all worked together. to bring us to the here and now. 

we talked of people most. of others that have surrounded us and encouraged us and those that didn't meet our expectations. that challenged us but we learned and we grew. we talked of those that we see now and understand the gift of them near. and all the people along the way that have come in and out and stayed close and moved far and how they have all been used in and through our lives. 

no one other than God, our creator and sustainer could have orchestrated all of our lives. 

we can see clearly from where He has brought us. we look back and remember ALL the things he has done. though some were very unpleasant, they were used and are being used. He is in and through all things. we just have to open our eyes to see that even in the here and now. 

 we can't exactly see clearly where we are going but we are more confident now than ever, His plan is always good. 

remembering has become a regular practice for me. it causes me to drop to my knees and praise Him that He is working, has always been working, and knows exactly what He's doing.