the truth is

written on my to-do list for today...

"get a grip meghan. things could be really bad. and they're not."

despite happy faces and happy posts on the blog, the going has gotten rough around here lately. 

though we have moments of pure joy, giggles, and fun...that isn't the whole of it. but really, why would i really want to post the ugly to remember in the years to come? well now, now is the time that i need to record where i am and look back to see how the Lord faithfully brought me from this place of struggle. 

i wrote down all of my thoughts while i was throwing myself the most gigantic pity party the other day. just so i could understand why in the world i would be throwing myself another one.

it's those darn expectations again. 

here it is. "meghan in the raw" as i like to call it.

I am lazy and incapable
I am frustrated when things don't go my way
I am losing the battle in raising my children
I want to make fun memories and give the boys opportunities
I want to make our house a home
I want to really love the students in my small group better
I am going to crack under pressure
I want to have a good disposition
I want to love my husband well
I want to trust in God no matter what
I want to have a great relationship with grey, with tuck, and with will
I am afraid when they have a choice they won't choose me
I am afraid because I am not patient or kind and children need both of those things desperately
I procrastinate
I never finish anything
I talk more than I do
I have lost vision and any determination
I am sad that grey is growing up so fast
I compare myself to others and fear that I am losing who God made me to be
I want my children to know who God is
I suck at showing them
I am unorganized and always end up frustrated
I waste my time
I wish we had more money sometimes
I then think how foolish and prideful I am
I want to live in freedom of all of this

these seemingly silly things tend to take over my mind more often than not. the moments of failure reign supreme over our day. 

being a mother the past few months has almost put me over the edge. the tuck man has almost driven me to the insane asylum. he's two years old. he is strong-willed and i am impatient. apparently he's a lot like me. 

i live, sleep, and breath boys. 

they are passionate and physical. they are loud and demanding. they are a gift to which i am called to steward.

the truth is, i am exhausted. my expectations are far higher than reality allows and i am not willing to compromise. it's ugly. it's nasty. and i am so ready to crawl out of this hole and not ever go back.

but i know i will. it's inevitable. it will just look a little different at a different phase.

i can see it. i see the light at the end of the tunnel. i know that Christ is in me. i know who i am in Him. but i consistently allow my flesh to react, to take over. and then i throw myself a pity party.

my mom has been an incredible encouragement in this time as i have ended up in tears some days while talking with her. i found a book that she gave me while i was a student at clemson. she wrote a short prayer for me at the end of it. she prayed "may she find the course You have for her and pursue it with purpose!"

i am on that course now. this is always the course the Lord had for me. He knew it then and here i am. my purpose is blurry at times but i see the Lord sustaining me day by day.

i also received these precious words from her in the mail a few days ago. may they encourage any mother no matter where you are in that journey.

"We're called to snuggle {love} and called to discipline {love}. It's a calling to which we feel inadequate the majority of the time because in reality and our own expectations, we are. I wish I had heard these words as a young mother, but 'give it up!' Give up your own expectations of mothering and let God, the Father, give you His expectations for you and for your sweet family!"

and in His grace He is consistently and faithfully revealing new parts of Himself to me so that in the moment I can allow Him to be strength in my weakness. 

 

the truth is,  that's where i am.

kick it

i think i underestimated my oldest son's athletic ability. 

we all attended his first soccer practice tonight. and that little boy can straight up kick a soccer ball! 

seriously, it had to be just about the cutest thing i've ever seen. {is it okay to think my son playing soccer is cute? at four, i think it's okay} i couldn't get enough of the stretches, the drills, the giggles. it was so enjoyable to sit {or chase tucker down off the field} and watch.

grey and annabelle are the best of friends. we love their sweet little friendship so much, we have already prearranged their marriage down the road. now i know this is a common practice between parents to say this, but in our case, we are much more serious. like really, they WILL spend the rest of their lives together. 

if they got separated on the soccer field, they ran to find each other so they could do everything side by side. mendy {annabelle's mom} and i just "awwed" the whole practice at those two little sweet things. they did all their stretches side by side.

i took quite a few pictures...i didn't want to miss a minute. is it that obvious this is our first organized sport with our children?! i think so.

oh and annabelle has a younger sister, lila. she and tucker are both two...very much TWO. so we laughed and intercepted our TWO year olds off of the field most of the evening. will watched content with the absolutely perfect evening!

tuck couldn't stand not being out there too. grey took time out to run over and hug him about 3 times during practice. 

then he laid in the grass and watched his big brother.

grey plays with Victory Sports. their entire purpose is outreach. they present the gospel to each child and their families during each practice and game. that's why they do what they do. they are reaching our community in huge ways. it's a pleasure to be a part of it. 

i asked grey what his favorite part of soccer practice was and he said: 

"the tic tac!" {dribbling the ball between his own feet} 

and he can't wait to wear his shin guards and cleats :)

this and that

just to catch myself up on life...

we all missed the grey bear last week. 

like really missed him. 

i will have to do a completely separate post on all of the four year camp fun. there was lots. 

we had quite the weekend that included a good ol' fashioned trip to the emergency room, heavy pain medication, a few barf bags, and one tired me. thankfully on sunday afternoon matthew passed that dadgum kidney stone and we could finally move on with our lives. poor guy. let's just say i'm glad that's over and i hope he never has to experience it again. at least we'll be more prepared next time. for a short while i thought he may be having a heart attack!

 thankfully grey bear joined the ranks back at home because tuck missed his playmate. he NEEDED me to play with him every second of every day last week. i don't fair so well jumping off of couches, eating dirt, and playing with dead worms. we all appreciate the grey bear. he came home with some funny tales of classic memories with his cousins. and he seemed about 2 years older. i hate how that happens. did i say i missed him? because i did.

those two have been playing like champs together the past two days! 

this weekend, i also caught the mice that ate through tuck's twin mattress for his big boy bed. i was far too excited about this but THEY ATE THROUGH A PERFECTLY GOOD MATTRESS! anyhow, a very generous friend had a twin mattress that we could have so we finally got tuck's bed set up. since he's been crawling out of his crib for over a month now it was about time. i think it's safe to say he loves it! 

{muscle man}

 

the will baby is somewhat successfully eating bananas and sweet potatoes. somewhat being the key word. i secretly have this fear that he's going to want to nurse until he's seven. i'm totally not okay with that. i do realize he's only 5 months old but STILL. it's irrational, i know. 

i am totally loving his faces while he eats!

cute E patoot E! 

that about wraps up some of the bigger happenings. 

up next: some absolutely delicious, very healthy new recipes!

oh to be four

i received this picture this morning in my inbox. 

i mean really, four year old camp is rockin' this year. 

wish i was there.

WRC.5 months

he's growing and changing day by day. 

his disposition is perfectly content. 

these have been five wonderful months with little will baby.

what a joy to watch him grow.

and begin to explore his world. 

we are savoring the baby days!

look alikes

grey bear almost 5 months

sir william almost 5 months

will baby eats!

Will had his first taste of cereal last night. 

He did far better than the other two did with their first taste. He didn't act as repulsed and swallowed almost all of it. win!

secretly, i have dreaded this day. as is with any other milestone, it's a sense of loss for me initially. a loss of the pure baby that only lasts for such a short time.

then again, i am certainly enjoying watching him grow. i am every day amazed at how intricately God designed us. and made us in His image. and i get to watch three of his little children grow and change right in front of my eyes! 

okay, back to the cereal. 

he had a little encouragement from the troops.

and in the end i'm pretty sure he loved the experience! 

if you need me, i'll be in the kitchen whippin' up some baby food for my sweet boy!

we've been

potty training. period. 

a naked little body every day. sometimes in undies, most of the time completely in the nude. 

we have had many many successes. we throw poo poo parties and reward with marshmallows. tuck is doing awesome!

there have also been a couple dramatic failures thrown in. such as the other morning when tuck had just gone poo in the potty and we threw the ol' classic poo poo party. the boys went into their room to play and before i knew it, he came running into my room holding his bottom. unfortunately he had already pooped on the carpet in their room. 

and then ran his grocery cart through it. 

seriously.

so now there are tire marks of poop in their carpet that i can't get out. gross.

i guess it comes with the territory of potty training this one. fortunately he's the one that initiated this whole rigamarole with using the potty so i've just dug my heels in and run with it. it's meant a lot of time at home and some patience on my part but we are making great strides.

he has the muscles to prove it.

we've also been to columbia and back for a short visit. we went to watch grey show us what he learned at music and arts camp. let's just say he didn't want to come home with us. i loved watching him "perform" for us and it brought a little lump in my throat watching him sing and do the motions to songs about Jesus. tuck really got into it too doing all the moves and scootin' his little booty up front to sit with his big brother. he must have really missed him.

we spent a lot of time in the pool. 

and watered plants. naked. 

anyone surprised? anyone?!

matthew and i celebrated six sweet years of marriage on saturday. there are far too many words for that. we are entering into yet a whole new journey in our marriage and enjoying thoroughly where we are. i am more confident after 6 years that there is no other more perfect. i love that man.

we've been enjoying the end of summer. when the Lord can help me see past the moment in front of me, i have been savoring these last weeks at home with the boys before school starts in september. i am reminded frequently of the blessing of children and focusing on staying in the moment whatever that moment may bring.

mess

after this happened while i was nursing will...

{that's the dirt taken out of one of my indoor plants and conveniently made a construction site on our side table in the living room}

we decided this was a fantastic idea. for the outdoors.

grey is with gigi and papa this week at music and arts camp. he is having more fun than one little 4 year old can stand. he doesn't even care to talk to us much on the phone. and believe me when i say, talking is his specialty. 

so.

that leaves us here with the younger two. 

have i ever mentioned that tucker is a mess. he is. a total mess. 

but a funny mess. i am enjoying our days  this week of doing things that only result in messes. big, gigantic messes. i'm realizing that he simply takes after me. i was always one for a good mess before i had a house to maintain. it hasn't been hard to appreciate that quality in him and join right in this week as i nurture the messiness in him. 

he cracks me up all day long. 

because he's growing

sir william is the most handsome little man. i can't help but photograph him. 

he's growing at warp speed. as all babies do but for some reason i forget that. 

he is rolling all over the place. and he loves to play with his toys.

his chunky little body is too cute. i seriously can't NOT kiss him all over.

he is so very content to just play. he watches his older brothers closely all throughout the day. they constantly provoke the biggest smiles and giggles from him.  melts my heart every single time. 

he interacts with everything around him. from cups of coffee to noses and hair. he prefers to be talked to and talks right back. 

he is getting stronger by the day. he is even prop sitting! 

see that little blankie in his hand up there? that's his little snuggly lamb. he sleeps with it tucked right in his arm up by his face. it's precious really.

my my. look at that boy.