the truth is

written on my to-do list for today...

"get a grip meghan. things could be really bad. and they're not."

despite happy faces and happy posts on the blog, the going has gotten rough around here lately. 

though we have moments of pure joy, giggles, and fun...that isn't the whole of it. but really, why would i really want to post the ugly to remember in the years to come? well now, now is the time that i need to record where i am and look back to see how the Lord faithfully brought me from this place of struggle. 

i wrote down all of my thoughts while i was throwing myself the most gigantic pity party the other day. just so i could understand why in the world i would be throwing myself another one.

it's those darn expectations again. 

here it is. "meghan in the raw" as i like to call it.

I am lazy and incapable
I am frustrated when things don't go my way
I am losing the battle in raising my children
I want to make fun memories and give the boys opportunities
I want to make our house a home
I want to really love the students in my small group better
I am going to crack under pressure
I want to have a good disposition
I want to love my husband well
I want to trust in God no matter what
I want to have a great relationship with grey, with tuck, and with will
I am afraid when they have a choice they won't choose me
I am afraid because I am not patient or kind and children need both of those things desperately
I procrastinate
I never finish anything
I talk more than I do
I have lost vision and any determination
I am sad that grey is growing up so fast
I compare myself to others and fear that I am losing who God made me to be
I want my children to know who God is
I suck at showing them
I am unorganized and always end up frustrated
I waste my time
I wish we had more money sometimes
I then think how foolish and prideful I am
I want to live in freedom of all of this

these seemingly silly things tend to take over my mind more often than not. the moments of failure reign supreme over our day. 

being a mother the past few months has almost put me over the edge. the tuck man has almost driven me to the insane asylum. he's two years old. he is strong-willed and i am impatient. apparently he's a lot like me. 

i live, sleep, and breath boys. 

they are passionate and physical. they are loud and demanding. they are a gift to which i am called to steward.

the truth is, i am exhausted. my expectations are far higher than reality allows and i am not willing to compromise. it's ugly. it's nasty. and i am so ready to crawl out of this hole and not ever go back.

but i know i will. it's inevitable. it will just look a little different at a different phase.

i can see it. i see the light at the end of the tunnel. i know that Christ is in me. i know who i am in Him. but i consistently allow my flesh to react, to take over. and then i throw myself a pity party.

my mom has been an incredible encouragement in this time as i have ended up in tears some days while talking with her. i found a book that she gave me while i was a student at clemson. she wrote a short prayer for me at the end of it. she prayed "may she find the course You have for her and pursue it with purpose!"

i am on that course now. this is always the course the Lord had for me. He knew it then and here i am. my purpose is blurry at times but i see the Lord sustaining me day by day.

i also received these precious words from her in the mail a few days ago. may they encourage any mother no matter where you are in that journey.

"We're called to snuggle {love} and called to discipline {love}. It's a calling to which we feel inadequate the majority of the time because in reality and our own expectations, we are. I wish I had heard these words as a young mother, but 'give it up!' Give up your own expectations of mothering and let God, the Father, give you His expectations for you and for your sweet family!"

and in His grace He is consistently and faithfully revealing new parts of Himself to me so that in the moment I can allow Him to be strength in my weakness. 

 

the truth is,  that's where i am.