this changes everything

as i read the words of the gospel truth to those little ears, it pierces me straight through. i weep at the breakfast table. three pair of eyes all soften as they try to make sense of my tears. they stay fixed on me.

it was good friday of course. 

the words won't come. i am stuck. i am so struck with the truth that has transformed all of my heart and all of my life.  this death He suffered. this life in the flesh. He is all in all. 

i don't speak for what feels like hours with all eyes just watching mine pour out before them. but really it was my heart breaking again. those tears were all of my inside on my outside. bare, naked, in all of my shame and sinfulness and depravity. 

the truth is that's who i am. those little eyes watching mine, they see me live it out every single day. they know i am broken. i confess my sin daily to those little boys watching. in this very moment they see me. their mama, just simply broken. 

they just HAVE to get it. and i know i can't make them. but He can. 

we live, eat, breathe, play together. i provide nourishment to their bodies when all i really want is to nourish their souls.

i try to breathe through it. through the reality that God had to turn His back on His Son. and i fall apart understanding that's what i deserve. understanding it wasn't only the gruesome beating and death that broke Jesus but that He suffered separation from His Father. He suffered all of the wrath of a Holy God in those moments. all of the wrath that my sin deserves. 

if i could only make these hearts understand their need for that Jesus who provided grace through His death. as it's transformed me from the inside out, i yearn for it to break their hearts and make them men. men who love the Lord with all of themselves and honor Him with their whole life. all the rest will follow.

if they could just really believe in all we remember of a God so big it makes our heads hurt. that this reality of Jesus' life and death and resurrection is what brings us true life. that this really changes everything. that this season of celebrating is really what shapes and forms us. it's the foundation of everything. 

and they will believe or they won't. 

 we celebrated His life on Sunday. we celebrated with song and dance. as to remember that He overcame death! He is risen! 

 this season i have slowed and remembered. remembered and wept. and thanked and praised. and have been broken and exposed. 

their eyes will not leave my tears that soak the plate in front of me. and i will continue to beg the Lord to draw them close and continue to live broken right there in front of them.