the nitty gritty.life behind the blog-o-sphere

i'll just put myself out there.

i don't wash my hands before every meal. 

i even forget to wash my children's hands before meals. 

i wear make-up to church and that's about it.

you could collect enough crumbs on my floor to provide a snack for 5 people. 

my house is a mish mash of things that have been given to us mostly. 

i am not good at decorating. period.
i never follow the "don't feed your baby ____" before a certain time. 
and i eat sushi when i'm pregnant.

things stay in piles here and there around the house for weeks upon weeks.

i lost a library book and had to pay $44.72 to replace it.

i run but i don't run very fast.

i cry when i watch the wonder years. almost every single time.

i yell at my children.

i don't spend near enough time in the Word.

i like rap music. a lot.
i don't plan really fun date nights.

i am horrible at communicating.

my husband can cook breakfast way better than i can.

i don't think through most decisions.

i lose my patience 673 times a day.
i don't coupon.
i only have a bachelors of arts degree. nothing more. and i don't even use it.
the boys teeth get brushed about 4 times a week. maximum.
i lose the power bill and forget to pay it often.
we don't have one penny saved for college for our children.
i rarely finish anything i start.
we haven't been to disney world.
we don't eat organic.
i don't have a smart phone.
i don't do things the least bit efficiently.
we never go out to eat.
if you want something clean to wear then you have to pick it up out of a pile of clothes on my bedroom floor.
you should see the walls in this house. it's like one big jelly hand print.
having a planner stresses me out.
therefore i struggle to meal plan.
i'm just not very cool in general.


though not all of these are rules, most are things that i feel are expected of me. as a keeper of the home, a mother, a wife. some things are just keeping up with the world around me.

i am far from list checker and a rule follower. this i know. rules make me feel boxed in, anxious. and lists make me feel tied down. so naturally, i want to break free.

and so.

it's obvious the glory goes to Him because,

a new thing has started to occur. when God asks me to do something, i am becoming more and more okay with it. praise Him! i am obeying without hesitation. and it's the most freeing thing i've ever done. He is helping me understand that is all that matters. not these silly little rules we make up for ourselves and one another.

His rules are different.

because when He changes my heart, i don't have to try so hard.  i don't think that's what He intended our relationship to be like anyway. obedience should flow much more naturally. it should flow from my trust and belief.

for example, i have started to obey the Lord in the way He asks me to spend my days. by playing, by listening, by dancing and singing, by praying for that friend, by forcing myself out of bed at a very early hour. by setting aside what i had planned for the morning because tucker just wants to make muffins. by leaving the crumbs on the floor and playing superheroes with grey. by
leaving the dishes untouched to play a rousing game of peek-a-boo with will.

and then God speaks louder and bigger things. and i'm okay with those too. i'm ready to obey.

over the past 5 months, God has been stretching matthew and i. things that used to seem so important have fallen to the wayside. they've lost their luster. and boy am i grateful.

we've come to see His bigger picture in a way we can understand for now. it doesn't involve us trying so hard. it involves obedience.

simple as that.

as He asks us to obey in areas we never thought we could, we are learning dependence. and that has brought freedom and joy that my words cannot express.