looking down

Holy Moly! This is what I see first when I look down these days. That baby boy is just a growing. I have noticed significant growth on the outside and feel significant growth on the inside but today when I went to the doctor, that was confirmed.

After drinking that shockingly sweet orange drink before taking my blood this morning, I got to see my doctor. We talked for a few and then got to hear baby boy's heartbeat. He had just a few seconds before been kicking me in my ribs so I was sure we would hear a strong, fast heartbeat which we did. Then she proceeded to measure my stomach. 

I saw Dr. Hilton today who delivered Tucker and also is a friend. So when she pulled out the measuring tape she was thrilled to note that my stomach was measuring right on track with 28 weeks. Only when she looked at my chart she realized that I am actually only 26 weeks. Her excitement for "a smaller baby this time around" quickly changed to making me very aware she would not let me have an 11 or 12 pound baby! She put me on alert that they would be checking his size and weight closely from here on out. I know I can have a 9 lb. 4 oz. baby because I've done it twice before. Much bigger makes me a little nervous. 

Talk about being nervous. I'll be completely honest, as of right now, I am getting more anxious the closer the time comes for this little one to be born. Which is coming quicker than I can process right now. I have found that this is one thing that I am actually anticipating in life and trying my hardest to somewhat prepare for. Whatever that means. I'll tell you what, now I'm so thankful that I don't try to prepare too much on a regular basis because it is making me anxious! It's not a common feeling for me and I don't like it. 

It's the little things really. The things like getting everyone in the car and out of the car and keeping everyone together when it's just me. Grey is still in a car seat with a five-point harness that he cannot do or undo the whole thing by himself. Oh heavens. Or the things like a simple trip to the grocery store will be 3 times as complicated and sometimes has to be done with all 3 in tow. Or like when I have to nurse the baby and Tucker is climbing up the bar stools and standing in the middle of the counter smiling at me wanting me to be proud of what he's accomplished. Again, oh heavens. It's the fact that I will feel even more ineffective in my children's lives from a lack of intentional time that I expect from myself. 

Like I said, it's the little things that make me anxious. When I begin to feel this way, I stop and think about these three incredibly precious lives that God has loaned to Matthew and I. That this baby boy that we haven't even met yet was willed and provided for us to grow up and teach to love the Lord with all His heart just as He has given us Grey and Tucker to do the same. His plan is great. It is so wonderful. And if I would have planned my life up to this point, this would probably be the FIRST baby we would be having. I cannot even imagine. And it brings me to tears when I thank God for the gift of life He has brought into our home for His good. And we get to experience the greatness of it.

My hands are also anxious to hold a newborn baby with that sweet soft skin. To snuggle so close and have the privilege of providing nourishment to him. To watch him sleep. To watch his brothers learn to love him and welcome him into their brotherhood that is developing day by day. To love another boy. To receive a third child's precious hugs. To meet him and know his unique personality. To guide and train him in the way the Lord intends. 


I can't wait. But I can wait all at the same time. 


One other shot of what I saw when I looked down today made me so happy for yet another boy to enter our home. That's a few army men, a straw, some dirt, and some raisins. They were all very crucial in this afternoon's playtime.