the Word and my life

As I opened the Word of the Living God yesterday, I had no idea that He was going to break my heart into a million pieces. It was time. I couldn’t have asked or expected anything more. And I am beyond grateful for His mercy even today as I try and pick the pieces up and let Him put it back together the way that He desires.

The summer approached me and I was prepared. I was prepared for all of the traveling and visiting and fun and time with the boys. What I wasn’t prepared for is an attack on my heart. A slow fade. Time away from my habitual time in the Word. My mind slowly being filled with things so far from the Truth of God. His Truth was replaced by feelings of inadequacy, frustration, impatience, selfishness, greed. All of the gross things that are contrary to what He desires.

As I sat in the living room yesterday afternoon digging deep into the Words that the Lord has given me to know Him more, I could not believe how far from Truth I had drifted. In my thinking, in my heart, in my actions. The sorrow welled up from my heart and turned into tears. Then it turned into joy and praise when I realized that my God had delivered me from myself. Thank you God that I don’t have to stay there!

I saw it happening. It happens slowly and subtly. I begin to think that I deserve something in this life. I begin to feel sorry for myself. I begin to depend on myself and those around me for satisfaction. I begin to expect my husband to make me “comfortable” and my children to be angels. When things don’t work out the way I want them to, I lose it. All of it.

All along the way the Spirit inside me is calling my name so loudly but the more I rebel and chose my own way, the quieter the voice gets. The louder I get and the further I separate myself from the God who saved me. How could this happen? It’s a lack of time in the Word. A lack of time renewing my mind with the Truth that has been graciously provided for me to study deeply. A lack of constantly thinking on scripture which is life.

Thank God for His mercy and grace that He would patiently wait and draw me back to Himself. There is no other place that I would rather be than dwelling on the Words of God. Hiding them in my heart and allowing Him to transform me.