from my journal | spring 2014

there it is right on the page. it unfolds in front of my eyes so plain as day it's a wonder i've never seen it this way before.

the words that read of Christ. of all of who He is. all that is in Him and through Him and by Him and to Him. my heart fails to beat for what seems like minutes as i'm struck cold through my bones. as those words on that page seem to open up my heart and dissect it piece by piece. the dark comes to the light and i see it. i see how twisted up and gnarled the things inside are.

i hear those words spoken and those fragile pieces hardened. i see it clear the way i predominantly frames every bit of everything. i feel the unnecessary weight of this world pressing so hard. i know that look for man's approval and love for things all too well. it's what's really there anyway. it's what's always been there. i see mercy withheld and the rope tightens.  i see desires all wonky and not in line with this, on this page.

it's a stark contrast.

and the exposure runs so deep to places i didn't know were there. because isn't that what happens. it takes only the slightest skewed step. the measly allowance of entitlement to sit in this head. the dwelling of things here and things there. a trip to the greener grass.

and it's all off kilter now. all of it.

i live there in those things. those things i am free from. that's where i stay for too long sometimes. i stay bound when i am released from it all. i choose that. 

i see it here. i see that these elementary principals of the world i allow to hold me captive when everything in me screams to be free. to be with Him. i fight and i struggle as if i'm bound so tight when i am already free. {ref. colossians}

 it's been buried. with Him. and He rose and is alive!!!  i was dead and He has made me alive together with him. i am forgiven. i am free.  {colossians 2}

His grace is here. it was there and it's here and it will be there. and it abounds. 

and these words on these pages i read them over and over. and every time they are new. they are alive and they bring life into these ragged, messy innards that have no life except through these words and His life.

and if i can just stay focused there. just keep my eyes fixed there. keep my heart in check. keep coming to Him just as He says. 

and it's really very simple. he is always there. it's just a matter if i am going to throw those things aside and come to Him. i can't really explain the rest because He does it. i just know with all of those places and things and desires, when i lay them bare before Him, He changes it all before my very eyes.

it all terminates on Him. on who He is. every bit of everything. that's the only real meaning to anything. the answer always is and always will be Jesus.