parenting | here and now

as our boys grow, parenting is shifting for us. it turns from diaper changes to heart matters. and it's hard.

i find myself daily dealing with the realness of what's in the heart and the manifestation of sin in their lives. and understanding that that's what it is. that when they tell a lie, or have a crummy attitude because they didn't get what they wanted when they wanted it, or react with a a punch or a kick, or call each other names. or when they don't think of others first and get greedy with things, or blatantly disobey, or lie to me. that this is the natural outpouring of what is in their hearts. 

and what a picture it is. of myself. of all the mess i am.

as they grow there is a deeper understanding on their part and the matters seem urgent.  

i lay in bed at night and plead with all of my heart for God to save their souls. and to give me wisdom in guiding them. in guiding their unbelieving hearts in ways that they can't understand yet. but i don't know how all that works. and i feel helpless.

i scratch their backs and talk of my sin. of my bad attitude and my unbelief. of living for myself and how fruitless and miserable it is. 

of the love of my savior that saved me from all of it.  the hope of my soul and the anchor that always holds. 

but i can't change them. 

and as they grow i am learning to let go a little more. and to trust. and to believe that when i said i understand they are on loan to me, that that's really what that means. to hold them loosely.

 that their hearts are fragile and lost and oh how that breaks mine. 

i don't have control of them. they are boys becoming men. i can pour it in and pour it in and continue to persevere but i can't change them. i can't make them new. i can't make them love the Lord and trust in His provision through Jesus. 

and that's hard. but so freeing if i can allow it to be.