heart matters on a thursday morning.

the words strike my heart and i rejoice because i know it is true. and Someone, right now in these still moments knew my eyes needed to see the words on the page. "For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh" {2 corinthians 10:3} because all through my being i am fighting. i am at war beneath my bones. and that's the truth. and to know that Someone knows and understands and knew it would be this way.

 there is freedom. 

because He promises to never leave me. because the reason there's a war at all is because He lives in me. He lives. and He is greater than the world that surrounds me. 

but i feel it so fierce at times that i can't move. that i can't grasp for the next thing because i'm still fighting for truth. because what i know in my head doesn't make sense in my heart. because i see the outward when He holds the inward together. 

i am a soldier called to put on His armor. His truth, His righteousness, His gospel, the faith He has given, His Word. those are my weapons.

called to not entangle myself with affairs of everyday life. but instead to take courage; He has overcome the world. 

but everyday life goes on. the world spins so fast while i try to keep up but i never will be able to. and the peace comes and the peace goes. 

all i know is when i find myself connected to the vine, there. there is peace in the midst of a raging battle. and i can do nothing without Him. 

i can't fight. and i am in a war. always in a war. 

i can't do good. but HE is good. always good.

i can't love but HE is love. always love.

i can't see through the dark. but HE is light. always bright.

i can't live full. but HE is the Bread of Life. always life-giving. 

i won't EVER be good enough. but He makes me righteous. always and forever righteous.

and i see it. i am truly nothing without Him. nothing that lasts. 

nothing but one heap of pride spinning out of control. one that when i'm left to my own devices, i end up in a mess of myself and take others with me. one that can't fight this fight. one that is wrapped up and held captive by this world. and i'm left defeated and helpless on my own. that's who I am. 

and when i know it, i can't do anything but lean into the One who is all in all.

 He is there fighting for me. His truth fills my mind and seeps into my heart and then peace floods my soul. because i have victory in Jesus. in this Emmanuel. 

the battle will rage on as long as i am in this flesh. but as He chisels the inward one layer at a time, i will only become more like Him. what an incredible hope i have in the One who is making me complete.

weekending

fall weekends. 

 usually filled with a big breakfast. or two. hot coffee and warm blankets. 

we stay in our jammies all day. and play in the leaves.

friends fill the house while something bakes in the oven. conversations fill these walls. hopefully encouragement too.

boys run and scream and tumble over one another while playing hide n' seek. 

a fort is built and a little william tears it down. and it's rebuilt. books to read and projects to complete. legos to construct and imaginations run wild. 

longer bedtime routines and more time to sit and listen to minds as they work in overtime as a boys' always is.

weekends afford us time. and as i always feel like it's never enough, there will be another. 

and i'm finding time in odd places these days.

i think it's no accident that as the world seems to start spinning in madness, all i want to do is still every bit of this season. not just in the weekends but in the everyday. 

but i will always love a good fall weekend.

insta-october

these insta-photos really capture the everyday for us. and right now, these are the things i want to remember. they are what the boys will look back on and remember the moments when they were little boys. so even if it comes in mass quantities of photos, i will continue to put it down for them. 

so here's to insta-october! 

we started out the month with a visit from family! my aunt bertie, uncle pete, kurt, and max came to surprise my grandma for a few days and we got to spend time with them too. though it was short, we are thankful we got to see them while they were here from arizona and texas! 

for the first few weeks we lived here, i would carry a blanket, my coffee, and my journal to the front porch. i watched the sunrise and was able to spend time with the Lord there. those mornings in the stillness was where i could have stayed for hours. but little boys wake up and those moments are precious too. 

will and tuck. they are quite the pair these days. tuck calls will his bug expert and will gladly follows tuck's lead without too much resistance. they are constantly in their own world pretending to be hunting, camping in a storm, on a train ride, on a boat at sea. you name it, they play it. 

the last photo is us on the way to school. we ride together 4 days out of the week to and from school. that time is not lost. we usually have some of the most intentional conversation and i enjoy hearing them process things when they are strapped down and can't be lost in an adventure. 

this little one. he is a stink.er. he deserves a post all his own, really.

the ol' tuck bomb. he is thriving these days. 4 seems to be this magic age for him. he also deserves a post all his own. so much to say about that fella. 

he received a letter at school from a girl. the front of the envelope said, "tucker, marry me?" that boy. he's a charmer in his own funny little way. 

and while i'm on his relationships with girls...these two. if i could only bottle up their time together and make it this sweet and innocent at age 16. they love each other really good. 

grey bear-rooski. too big for his britches. in every good way, mostly. he wants to play football every single day when he comes home. he plays a recess with a bunch of boys and loves it! tuck and will have rubbed off on him and he is now an avid frog and lizard catcher himself. he loves his brothers dearly. he wishes he was 24 and acts like it. i could seriously spend all day with this boy. so thankful for his life. 

after school. these days after school is our best time. afternoons are coveted around here. i get to look forward to time with them all morning. 

we are really enjoying playing games after school. usually grey and i get a few games in before tuck gets up. then he gets to play with us before will gets up. i love this time with them. we usually go into the woods on a hike and adventure each afternoon. there is always something new to discover and a new way to use our imaginations. and when matthew comes home, it's football in the backyard. 

marmie came to visit and was here for her birthday! we loved having her. the boys just adore marms.

we loved living in a neighborhood this year for halloween. i'm not big on the holiday but i do think there's no better way to get out there and take advantage of meeting the people you live around! what a great thing it was to make some connections. it's funny when you realize how much you are not the only one who desires relationships with those we live around. people want to know people. i was very thankful for halloween this year even if i do not like the holiday itself.

just a few last random photos of everyday life. 

so much we are learning and so many ways we are growing. we are so thankful for the moments in these days He is giving.