this changes everything

as i read the words of the gospel truth to those little ears, it pierces me straight through. i weep at the breakfast table. three pair of eyes all soften as they try to make sense of my tears. they stay fixed on me.

it was good friday of course. 

the words won't come. i am stuck. i am so struck with the truth that has transformed all of my heart and all of my life.  this death He suffered. this life in the flesh. He is all in all. 

i don't speak for what feels like hours with all eyes just watching mine pour out before them. but really it was my heart breaking again. those tears were all of my inside on my outside. bare, naked, in all of my shame and sinfulness and depravity. 

the truth is that's who i am. those little eyes watching mine, they see me live it out every single day. they know i am broken. i confess my sin daily to those little boys watching. in this very moment they see me. their mama, just simply broken. 

they just HAVE to get it. and i know i can't make them. but He can. 

we live, eat, breathe, play together. i provide nourishment to their bodies when all i really want is to nourish their souls.

i try to breathe through it. through the reality that God had to turn His back on His Son. and i fall apart understanding that's what i deserve. understanding it wasn't only the gruesome beating and death that broke Jesus but that He suffered separation from His Father. He suffered all of the wrath of a Holy God in those moments. all of the wrath that my sin deserves. 

if i could only make these hearts understand their need for that Jesus who provided grace through His death. as it's transformed me from the inside out, i yearn for it to break their hearts and make them men. men who love the Lord with all of themselves and honor Him with their whole life. all the rest will follow.

if they could just really believe in all we remember of a God so big it makes our heads hurt. that this reality of Jesus' life and death and resurrection is what brings us true life. that this really changes everything. that this season of celebrating is really what shapes and forms us. it's the foundation of everything. 

and they will believe or they won't. 

 we celebrated His life on Sunday. we celebrated with song and dance. as to remember that He overcame death! He is risen! 

 this season i have slowed and remembered. remembered and wept. and thanked and praised. and have been broken and exposed. 

their eyes will not leave my tears that soak the plate in front of me. and i will continue to beg the Lord to draw them close and continue to live broken right there in front of them. 

the everyday rowdy

i mean, sometimes i don't even know. i wonder how these children come up with the things they choose to do with their time. 

i was cleaning up from lunch when grey and tuck came bee bopping downstairs. i looked in the living room only to find two shirtless boys with "exercise" pants and boxing socks on only left to leave me thinking one thing. they were ready for a dance party. 

so we danced. and will wanted to take off ALL of his clothes but luckily we managed to keep the diaper on snug.

these boys are wild. i think i've gotten used to it but sometimes i look around and realize that my day is spent either wrestling, tickling, watching them do very physical tricks, being tackled, climbed on, or head butted, jumping on the trampoline, and the list goes on. 

on the days i begin to get overwhelmed and exhausted (and they are only getting bigger!) i remind myself that i have three very healthy, active boys. just what they should be at 5, 3, and 2 years old. 

sometimes i promise them they can wrestle with daddy at night before i ask him. he always thanks me later :) 

though their energy can easily wear me out each and every day, i am so very grateful to have the energy to do it. and thankful for a husband who can take a beating :) 

thursday thoughts

sometimes i see glimpses into what is happening in my children's hearts and it is so worth all the times that i feel like i'm pouring my life into these beings that i'm getting NO WHERE with. 

last night i was cooking up some quesadillas for the boys and tucker was slithering all over the counter like a snake. i told him to get off of the counter one too many times and the next thing we know, CRASH. he breaks a glass vase full of easter grass and easter eggs. 

he immediately started crying and apologizing and then began to agonize over the fact that he was going to have to give me "MORE dollars!" because of his disobedience that resulted in breaking something. i let him agonize a little bit because i needed a breather as to not yell at him.

in the meantime, the grey bear comes to me and whispers, "mommy, please just make tucker pay for half and i'll pay the other half." 

that's it. he's got it. the tears welled up and i couldn't help but grab that boy and squeeze him to death. 

then i grabbed that tucker man and squeezed him to death as well. 

i know i'm not the one who brings about any good in my children but it sure is refreshing amongst the arguing and the disobedience and the discipline to see what's really in those little hearts of theirs. 

will turns 2!

we celebrated all weekend. just the way i like to do birthdays. this little boy is so cute! of course i'm supposed to think that but really he is. so, so cute. every time we sang happy birthday to him, he tried his hardest to keep from smiling but couldn't help it. 

we all paraded in his room after he was awake and sang happy birthday to him. he ate it up and was so happy to see all the balloons his daddy had put around his seat downstairs. we had eggs for breakfast, licked the frosting bowl, and spent the morning playing. 

we celebrated with gigi and papa after nap time. we ate cupcakes and delicious mexican! he loved having them here and i know it made his actual birthday something special. 

saturday poppie and marmie came up for the day and we met nathan, allison, garrett, and wyatt at lazy 5 ranch. there couldn't have been a more perfect way to celebrate turning 2. that little man (and the rest of us!) had a blast! he fed all the animals with no fear and loved it! he talked to all the sheep and goats and really could have fed them all day. he eventually ran out of food and settled for a picnic and some play time on a playground full of big wooden ships and slides!

he rounded out the day with burgers and strawberry ice cream with sprinkles. 

thankful for these memories with our now two year old!