the truth is

written on my to-do list for today...

"get a grip meghan. things could be really bad. and they're not."

despite happy faces and happy posts on the blog, the going has gotten rough around here lately. 

though we have moments of pure joy, giggles, and fun...that isn't the whole of it. but really, why would i really want to post the ugly to remember in the years to come? well now, now is the time that i need to record where i am and look back to see how the Lord faithfully brought me from this place of struggle. 

i wrote down all of my thoughts while i was throwing myself the most gigantic pity party the other day. just so i could understand why in the world i would be throwing myself another one.

it's those darn expectations again. 

here it is. "meghan in the raw" as i like to call it.

I am lazy and incapable
I am frustrated when things don't go my way
I am losing the battle in raising my children
I want to make fun memories and give the boys opportunities
I want to make our house a home
I want to really love the students in my small group better
I am going to crack under pressure
I want to have a good disposition
I want to love my husband well
I want to trust in God no matter what
I want to have a great relationship with grey, with tuck, and with will
I am afraid when they have a choice they won't choose me
I am afraid because I am not patient or kind and children need both of those things desperately
I procrastinate
I never finish anything
I talk more than I do
I have lost vision and any determination
I am sad that grey is growing up so fast
I compare myself to others and fear that I am losing who God made me to be
I want my children to know who God is
I suck at showing them
I am unorganized and always end up frustrated
I waste my time
I wish we had more money sometimes
I then think how foolish and prideful I am
I want to live in freedom of all of this

these seemingly silly things tend to take over my mind more often than not. the moments of failure reign supreme over our day. 

being a mother the past few months has almost put me over the edge. the tuck man has almost driven me to the insane asylum. he's two years old. he is strong-willed and i am impatient. apparently he's a lot like me. 

i live, sleep, and breath boys. 

they are passionate and physical. they are loud and demanding. they are a gift to which i am called to steward.

the truth is, i am exhausted. my expectations are far higher than reality allows and i am not willing to compromise. it's ugly. it's nasty. and i am so ready to crawl out of this hole and not ever go back.

but i know i will. it's inevitable. it will just look a little different at a different phase.

i can see it. i see the light at the end of the tunnel. i know that Christ is in me. i know who i am in Him. but i consistently allow my flesh to react, to take over. and then i throw myself a pity party.

my mom has been an incredible encouragement in this time as i have ended up in tears some days while talking with her. i found a book that she gave me while i was a student at clemson. she wrote a short prayer for me at the end of it. she prayed "may she find the course You have for her and pursue it with purpose!"

i am on that course now. this is always the course the Lord had for me. He knew it then and here i am. my purpose is blurry at times but i see the Lord sustaining me day by day.

i also received these precious words from her in the mail a few days ago. may they encourage any mother no matter where you are in that journey.

"We're called to snuggle {love} and called to discipline {love}. It's a calling to which we feel inadequate the majority of the time because in reality and our own expectations, we are. I wish I had heard these words as a young mother, but 'give it up!' Give up your own expectations of mothering and let God, the Father, give you His expectations for you and for your sweet family!"

and in His grace He is consistently and faithfully revealing new parts of Himself to me so that in the moment I can allow Him to be strength in my weakness. 

 

the truth is,  that's where i am.

kick it

i think i underestimated my oldest son's athletic ability. 

we all attended his first soccer practice tonight. and that little boy can straight up kick a soccer ball! 

seriously, it had to be just about the cutest thing i've ever seen. {is it okay to think my son playing soccer is cute? at four, i think it's okay} i couldn't get enough of the stretches, the drills, the giggles. it was so enjoyable to sit {or chase tucker down off the field} and watch.

grey and annabelle are the best of friends. we love their sweet little friendship so much, we have already prearranged their marriage down the road. now i know this is a common practice between parents to say this, but in our case, we are much more serious. like really, they WILL spend the rest of their lives together. 

if they got separated on the soccer field, they ran to find each other so they could do everything side by side. mendy {annabelle's mom} and i just "awwed" the whole practice at those two little sweet things. they did all their stretches side by side.

i took quite a few pictures...i didn't want to miss a minute. is it that obvious this is our first organized sport with our children?! i think so.

oh and annabelle has a younger sister, lila. she and tucker are both two...very much TWO. so we laughed and intercepted our TWO year olds off of the field most of the evening. will watched content with the absolutely perfect evening!

tuck couldn't stand not being out there too. grey took time out to run over and hug him about 3 times during practice. 

then he laid in the grass and watched his big brother.

grey plays with Victory Sports. their entire purpose is outreach. they present the gospel to each child and their families during each practice and game. that's why they do what they do. they are reaching our community in huge ways. it's a pleasure to be a part of it. 

i asked grey what his favorite part of soccer practice was and he said: 

"the tic tac!" {dribbling the ball between his own feet} 

and he can't wait to wear his shin guards and cleats :)

this and that

just to catch myself up on life...

we all missed the grey bear last week. 

like really missed him. 

i will have to do a completely separate post on all of the four year camp fun. there was lots. 

we had quite the weekend that included a good ol' fashioned trip to the emergency room, heavy pain medication, a few barf bags, and one tired me. thankfully on sunday afternoon matthew passed that dadgum kidney stone and we could finally move on with our lives. poor guy. let's just say i'm glad that's over and i hope he never has to experience it again. at least we'll be more prepared next time. for a short while i thought he may be having a heart attack!

 thankfully grey bear joined the ranks back at home because tuck missed his playmate. he NEEDED me to play with him every second of every day last week. i don't fair so well jumping off of couches, eating dirt, and playing with dead worms. we all appreciate the grey bear. he came home with some funny tales of classic memories with his cousins. and he seemed about 2 years older. i hate how that happens. did i say i missed him? because i did.

those two have been playing like champs together the past two days! 

this weekend, i also caught the mice that ate through tuck's twin mattress for his big boy bed. i was far too excited about this but THEY ATE THROUGH A PERFECTLY GOOD MATTRESS! anyhow, a very generous friend had a twin mattress that we could have so we finally got tuck's bed set up. since he's been crawling out of his crib for over a month now it was about time. i think it's safe to say he loves it! 

{muscle man}

 

the will baby is somewhat successfully eating bananas and sweet potatoes. somewhat being the key word. i secretly have this fear that he's going to want to nurse until he's seven. i'm totally not okay with that. i do realize he's only 5 months old but STILL. it's irrational, i know. 

i am totally loving his faces while he eats!

cute E patoot E! 

that about wraps up some of the bigger happenings. 

up next: some absolutely delicious, very healthy new recipes!

oh to be four

i received this picture this morning in my inbox. 

i mean really, four year old camp is rockin' this year. 

wish i was there.

WRC.5 months

he's growing and changing day by day. 

his disposition is perfectly content. 

these have been five wonderful months with little will baby.

what a joy to watch him grow.

and begin to explore his world. 

we are savoring the baby days!

look alikes

grey bear almost 5 months

sir william almost 5 months